On Behalf of Erectile Dysfunction

My Dad posted a link to an article on facebook today. I know, leave it to my pops to appropriately utilize the new phenomenon known only as social networking. Instead of using it to waste time and post the occasional absurd “status” to get a rise out of people, my old man figures out how to take advantage of the site for personal gain. Hazaa Pops, you are a testament to ingenuity.

But enough with my shout-outs. The article was about some politicians who are attempting to draft an amendment which would ban certain drug manufacturers from advertising on prime-time television. Some of the manufacturers in question are Viagra, Levitra and a slew of other companies that produce pills to enhance libido. This really got the ol’ proverbial wheels turnin in me head. Why would these legislators want to ban these companies from advertising? I pondered for quite some time… and then it hit me.

It was so simple too. Here’s the link to the article so you can follow my analysis more closely. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/27/business/media/27drugads.html?_r=5&ref=business

I don’t think anyone will argue with me that at least 90% of men in the House are using Viagra or a similar drug. Take a look at James P. Moran, the guy who’s sponsoring the bill:

You really think he’s never given it a shot? I would be willing to bet my life’s savings (which currently hovers around $300) that he has a stockpile of these things in his medicine cabinet. Hell, he probably has a few Extenze in there too. He saw the old dog on the commercial saying, “This could be fun,” and he agreed and subsequently ordered himself three cycles.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I feel pretty confident that this limb is going to hold my weight and a whole lot more. So come on Jimmy P, there’s no shame in giving your number one fan a little assistance when he needs it. There’s no need to be embarrassed. Bob Dole uses Viagra… okay, bad example. Raphael Palmeiro, there’s a good one. If a member of the 3,000 hits club needs a little performance-enhancement every now and then, then chances are I will too one day.

So James, don’t rob future generations of libido-enhancing men of our own potential hall of fame spokesman to justify our ED. We’re gonna need A-Rod’s backing to explain to our wives that even demigods need a little help in the bedroom sometimes.

A Delightful Sunday

On Sunday, I got together with a group of me chums to play a game called Over the Line. I had heard of it before, but this was my first time playing. I'm not sure as to whether or not we played by the actual rules, but they worked for our purposes and for the purpose of explaining what I did on Sunday (since I know you are all dying to know). We played in teams of two. Here's a link that explains the official rules of the game. We of course added a few of our own: http://www.ombac.org/over_the_line/rules.htm

Since I was the worst athlete on the field, I was paired up with my buddy Todd, who was a Division 1 shortstop in college. As per our own rules, if you swung and missed at a pitch, it was immediately followed with a resounding and humiliating clamor of "Beer Chug" from everyone in the field and a subsequent downing of a delicious brew known only as Natty Light. I swung and missed five times, which may or may not be a record. The point is, the more times you swing and miss, the harder it becomes to hit the ball on a consistent basis. Pair that with the fact that I have the athletic ability of a fourth grade girl and you've got the ingredients for a pretty entertaining afternoon.

Although I was paired with a D1 athlete, we still managed to land in last place. But to be fair, there were two other college baseball players there that day too and I kept reminding myself of that in order to keep a small shred of my dignity intact. Either way, I had a great time playing a bastardized version of America's favorite pastime. I think I'll play again next Sunday.

Another Tragic Celebrity Death

I read today that the Geico Gecko passed away early this afternoon. There is some speculation that drugs may have been involved. I don't know what you all (my thousands of readers) think, but I'm getting pretty freaked out. Every day some new famous or marginally famous person is dying. This one really got to me though. I mean, once corporate sponsors start falling off, who's next?

A reporter for the NY Times caught up with Toucan Sam, the last known individual to have seen the Gecko, after the incident occurred. Appearing innebriated, he mumbled something about how he and the Gecko had "gotten in an argument over whose sponsorship had done more for their respective franchises." The Wienerschnitzel hot dog, who was a close friend of the Gecko, was reportedly seen leaving a gentlemen's club, which he owns, with him the night prior to the incident. "It's a sad day for us all," he said. "I'm not at liberty to disclose any information regarding Gecko's death but I can say that he will be sorely missed."

There is no word on who might replace the Gecko as the insurance giant's new sponsor, but a representative for the company did make mention in a press conference of recent talks with one or more of the Keebler Elves.

On a side note, there were some more car bombs in various cities around the globe today.