This past weekend I tried to convince my brother that Edward Norton was cast as Bilbo Baggins in the highly-anticipated motion picture, The Hobbit, the prologue to the widely-celebrated Lord of the Rings trilogy. Having known me for my entire life, he knew that this was a lie and made a deal with me. If Ed Norton was not actually cast as Bilbo, he got to punch me in the chest… but if he was, I got to kick him in the teeth. I don’t know what compels me to continue taking these types of bets, which are literally impossible to win. To be honest, I wouldn’t even kick him in the teeth if I did win the bet. I think that it may just be the fact that I am entertained by stupid things, such as thinking up miscasts for movies that never actually happened. In any event, I got punched in the chest on Saturday.
This got me to thinking though, while Ed Norton would be pretty hilarious as Bilbo, there could definitely be some even funnier miscasts. Picture this:
You’re sitting at home watching tv and a preview comes on for The Hobbit. You see a small hobbit making his way through a dark corridor but you can’t make out his face. Suddenly, he exits the tunnel and the sun shines on his face. There, in all his glory stands John Stamos (aka Uncle Jesse), starring as Bilbo Baggins.
Then I started thinking about other classic miscasts that never happened. While Val Kilmer was the worst Batman I’ve seen, it definitely could have been worse. Picture this:
The caped crusader jumps from one roof onto another. He is attacked by a group of thugs who are no match for his brute strength and cat-like reflexes as he effortlessly fights them off. He then makes his way to the famed Bat Cave and takes his mask off. There, underneath the bat ears is the face of a legend… Harold Ramis.
Ok, just one more. One of my all-time favorite movies is Tombstone. While nobody could have played Wyatt Earp the way that Kurt Russell did, a bad casting could have made that film one hell of a comedy. Picture this:
Wyatt and the gang are "caught in a little crossfire" at the river. As Doc sits behind a tree fearing that this might be the end, Wyatt walks out into the gunfire to meet Curly Bill face to face. And as Wyatt repeats the word “No” over and over in dramatic fashion with his wetted mustache trembling, a familiar silhouette turns as Ed Begley Jr. fires a round into Curly Bill’s chest.
If you have any other amusing miscasts, please feel free to post them. I still only have one follower and I’d like to see a little feedback… perhaps exchange in a little banter with my comrades.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Brutal Beat Down
I'm writing this post the morning after I witnessed my New York Mets throw a game away to the Los Angeles Dodgers. To be fair, I did get to see a pitcher's duel between Randy Wolf and Tim Redding that was rather unexpected. Aside from that, and the beers, the rest of the game caused me to rub my face incessantly, which is what I do when I'm agitated.
I read an article in the New York Times today on the game. Ryan Church, the Met's right fielder tried to make amends for missing the third base bag on his jaunt home, scoring a run that would have put the Mets up a run and conceivably won the game with K-Rod pitching the bottom half of the inning. "It's a simple thing to do and I just didn't do it," said Church in a post game interview on completely bypassing the three-bag and having the go-ahead run called back.
"I pride myself in being able to make plays no matter where he [Met's Manager Jerry Manuel] puts me," said Jeremy Reed who capped off the night with a throw reminiscent of one I would make in one of my beer league softball games, a throw that sailed about six feet to the right of the catcher and allowed the Dodger's winning run to score.
Basically what I'm trying to say is this; I know that I could circumnavigate third base in late innings. I know that I can drop routine fly balls and make errant throwing errors to home plate. I've done it on many occassions. So I'm thinking of getting together a bloopers reel of all my unathletic softball plays and sending them to Met's GM Omar Minaya as a bid for a potential contract with the Mets. I really think the game where I struck out twice might catch his attention.
I read an article in the New York Times today on the game. Ryan Church, the Met's right fielder tried to make amends for missing the third base bag on his jaunt home, scoring a run that would have put the Mets up a run and conceivably won the game with K-Rod pitching the bottom half of the inning. "It's a simple thing to do and I just didn't do it," said Church in a post game interview on completely bypassing the three-bag and having the go-ahead run called back.
"I pride myself in being able to make plays no matter where he [Met's Manager Jerry Manuel] puts me," said Jeremy Reed who capped off the night with a throw reminiscent of one I would make in one of my beer league softball games, a throw that sailed about six feet to the right of the catcher and allowed the Dodger's winning run to score.
Basically what I'm trying to say is this; I know that I could circumnavigate third base in late innings. I know that I can drop routine fly balls and make errant throwing errors to home plate. I've done it on many occassions. So I'm thinking of getting together a bloopers reel of all my unathletic softball plays and sending them to Met's GM Omar Minaya as a bid for a potential contract with the Mets. I really think the game where I struck out twice might catch his attention.
Monday, May 11, 2009
My Long Unawaited Return
First off, let me apologize to my long list of readers who haven't received their dosage of brain trash in a while. I'll try to be a little more frequent with my posts in the future.
On to the good stuff. This past weekend, I threw a bachelor party for one of my oldest friends. He wanted his underage brothers to be able to hang out with us for at least part of the party so we decided to have a little bbq/pool party. I prepared for the day by making a trip to the Vons down the street where I bought three 30-packs of Tecate (a steal at $10.99 each) and enough burgers, dogs and finger foods to feed a small army, or in this case a ravenous pack of about 10 young gents between the ages of 23-28.
I got to the house around 10:00 am and woke everyone up with a cold one and then went down to the fridge to put the food away where I found a nice surprise... another 40-50 beers in the fridge already. I cleared out the fridge to make room for the essentials and fired up the bbq. Everyone began to roll downstairs via either the stairs or by jumping off the roof into the pool. We grinded through the burgers and dogs in a couple of hours and busted out the beer pong table.
What followed was a mess of beers being poured on people's heads, more roof jumps and a series of atrocities that I will most likely never remember, which is probably a good thing. After we powered through the rest of the beers and got in a power nap and showered, we called up our cabs and went out for the night. I'm not sure how, but we all managed to get to our destination, consume unsafe amounts of alcohol and get back to the pad without incident.
The next morning I woke up and had the pleasure of going to church with my brother who accompanied me in the debauchery the night before. All our mother asked of us was to show up to church on Mother's Day. We figured we owed the woman who brought us into the world at least that much. So after our McDonald's breakfast we rolled into church looking like the living dead and smelling like an old boot filled with whiskey and trout heads. I think we still owe a formal apology to the congregation for the sin that was our foul stench.
At the end of the day I couldn't help feeling pretty good though. I had managed to give my buddy a hell of a party and still make it to church to repent for my sins. :)
On to the good stuff. This past weekend, I threw a bachelor party for one of my oldest friends. He wanted his underage brothers to be able to hang out with us for at least part of the party so we decided to have a little bbq/pool party. I prepared for the day by making a trip to the Vons down the street where I bought three 30-packs of Tecate (a steal at $10.99 each) and enough burgers, dogs and finger foods to feed a small army, or in this case a ravenous pack of about 10 young gents between the ages of 23-28.
I got to the house around 10:00 am and woke everyone up with a cold one and then went down to the fridge to put the food away where I found a nice surprise... another 40-50 beers in the fridge already. I cleared out the fridge to make room for the essentials and fired up the bbq. Everyone began to roll downstairs via either the stairs or by jumping off the roof into the pool. We grinded through the burgers and dogs in a couple of hours and busted out the beer pong table.
What followed was a mess of beers being poured on people's heads, more roof jumps and a series of atrocities that I will most likely never remember, which is probably a good thing. After we powered through the rest of the beers and got in a power nap and showered, we called up our cabs and went out for the night. I'm not sure how, but we all managed to get to our destination, consume unsafe amounts of alcohol and get back to the pad without incident.
The next morning I woke up and had the pleasure of going to church with my brother who accompanied me in the debauchery the night before. All our mother asked of us was to show up to church on Mother's Day. We figured we owed the woman who brought us into the world at least that much. So after our McDonald's breakfast we rolled into church looking like the living dead and smelling like an old boot filled with whiskey and trout heads. I think we still owe a formal apology to the congregation for the sin that was our foul stench.
At the end of the day I couldn't help feeling pretty good though. I had managed to give my buddy a hell of a party and still make it to church to repent for my sins. :)
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