Kiss My Ass Cullen

I posed a question on Facebook today and will be interested to see the results. That question was, “What makes Edward Cullen so appealing to women of all ages?” I posed the question after coming across an AP article recently that outlined the reasons why women are so infatuated with the teenage vampire. The article broke it down into three separate reasons why:

1. He is a vampire
I guess this makes sense given that vampires are dangerous and seductive creatures. They are also much more powerful than a human and on top of that, we often crave that which we do not understand. The writer talked about how vampires attack the neck, an erogenous zone for many women. That part I didn’t really get. I understand that many women have a hot spot on their neck, but I don’t know any women that would like to have someone tear into their neck meat.
2. He is Edward Cullen
The writer goes on to explain how women love how mysterious the character is. He’s been around for 100-something years, blah-blah-blah. What I have to call bullshit on is the fact that women love him because he is all about Bella. No woman wants a guy that is obsessed with her. Let’s be honest; people want what they can’t have and the women/girls who are obsessed with “Eddie” are no different. They want to get bitten and become immortal. But Edward knows what he’s doing. The vampire shtick is his final bargaining chip and he’s not going to give it away easily. For this reason, I respect his game.
3. He is Robert Pattinson
This one I can’t really comment on. I know some girls who think the guy is hot and like him simply for that reason. I know other girls that are into him because of the character he plays. And then there are still more who aren’t into the guy at all because “he can never be as perfect as Edward.”

All that said, I’ve concluded that there is absolutely no way to be as appealing to women as Edward Cullen is. It’s just a little fantasy in the end. So since I have confirmed that I can never be as irresistible as an overgrown, fictional, teenage tick, I’m going to leave the seat up, fart in public, get obscenely drunk and touch my junk whenever the hell I want.

Thank You Citizens of South Park

One of my favorite shows, South Park, has been stirring up controversy yet again after the airing of one of the funniest and wittiest episodes to date. Parker and Stone dissect the word “fag”, giving it a new meaning by the end of the show. The basic tenant of their commentary is that the “f” word does not have the same meaning to kids today as it once had. It is now a term used more generally to describe someone who would traditionally be known as a douchebag.

Advocacy groups monitoring issues of gender identity and sexual orientation in the media are not thrilled about the episode… I know, shocking right? To be honest, I understand the fear that these groups have about making light of a term that has been used to target and ridicule homosexuals for the past few decades now. However, the show accurately depicts the notion that it is not the word itself that is used for ridicule, but the hatred associated with it. By shifting the meaning of the word to be defined as: 1. An extremely annoying and inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders, and 2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley, they are taking aim at and attempting to destroy the hatred behind the word. What’s more, they have successfully completed that mission, if we limit their influence to the audience that has actually viewed the episode.

I know that an advocacy group promoting the rights of gay and transgender individuals must feel obligated to take a stand against this particular episode. But the reality is that there was no gay-bashing of any kind in the show. If anything, the show’s characters support the rights of homosexuals. By exercising the right of free-speech, South Park has shown that in so doing, we can change the meaning of a word, thus fighting injustice and promoting equality.

As Promised...

I know I'm a little late with the update, but here it is... The Jersey Shore. If you haven't watched this one, then do yourself a favor, grab a twelver and tune in to MTV Thursdays at 10/9c. And yes, I just slapped myself for plugging an MTV show.

My introduction to the show came in the form of a couple of friends describing to me The Situation. The Situation is, in fact, a person, not a set of circumstances like you might initially think. He is a self-proclaimed Machiavelli, his hair is never out of place and he "is not going to let anyone stop him from getting what he wants out of his summer on the Jersey Shore." Teaming up with his buddy Pauly D, who one might easily mistake for one of the Gotti brothers, this degenerate duo is looking to take the Eastern Seaboard, or at least a small section of it, by storm.

I do have to say though, I would like to hang out with these guys, if only for a night. In one episode, they spend their night "battling" (dance fighting) and "beating up the music" (a maneuver that involves fist-pumping to the beat of house music) in a Jersey club. At the end of the night, when it appears that their overflowing testosterone has failed them, they happen upon two unsuspecting females. Like hyenas, they surround them, eventually corralling them out to the street. Just as they are about to make their kill, a couple of girls in a convertible drive by. The two hyenas immediately abandon their prey and make an attempt to coax the more appealing targets in the convertible back to their lair. When their mating dance fails, they high-tail it back to their original victims. And by some miracle, they still get the girls to come back with them! It's as if they have some guido god smiling down on them.

Now this is but a taste of the fruits you will undoubtedly enjoy if you allow yourself the pleasure (albeit somewhat guilty) of watching Jersey Shore. And if that's not enough to convince you, last week some really annoying girl from the show got punched in the face!

I Love Reality Television and I Don't Care Who Knows It.

There's a sense of insecurity shrouding reality television and its audience. Nearly everyone watches it in some form, but no one is willing to admit it. I'm here to tell you that I love it. And I'm not just talking about American Idol or Top Chef. I genuinely enjoy kicking back and watching Jersey Shore and, yes, even The Bachelor from time to time. Let me explain:

I'll start with the more embarrassing of the two; The Bachelor. I don't watch it routinely, but my girlfriend and her friends have seemed to enjoy it for quite some time. For a long time, I refused to subject myself to it. When they turned it on, I would I would be gone before Chris Harrison had a chance to let even one douche-bag word out. But one night, after about six beers, the cost of having to move from the couch was too great, even if that meant I was subjecting myself to half an hour of torture. It became apparent very quickly however, that by refusing to watch this show, I had only been depriving myself of a wonderful entertainment opportunity for years.

From the first time the The Asshole, I mean The Bachelor said "I'm here to find true love", I knew I was on to something. And there is no better word to describe the women "looking for love" on that show than "amazing." I have to admit though, a little piece of me dies every time The Asshole says something like "Thank you for opening up to me, for making yourself vulnerable." Are these chicks completely naive, or have they really convinced themselves that a self-respecting man would say something like that after knowing someone for two days, if ever? It's as if they force these guys to read all of Nicholas Sparks' books and watch all of Richard Gere's shitty romantic movies before they come on the show.

Let's pretend that they picked a real man to be The Bachelor. I think it would go a little more like this:
Woman #1: I am so madly in love with you.
Bachelor: Totally. I'm in love with me too.
Woman #1: I know I've only known you for a day, but it feels like a lifetime.
Bachelor: I couldn't agree more. Do you want a sandwich?
Woman #1: I may be moving too fast, but I just want to share everything with you.
Bachelor: Well I've got a lot to give. And since you're into sharing, why don't we invite a couple of the other girls over.

Now that would be a show!

(Note: More on reality tv, including Jersey Shore, tomorrow)

To Box Or Not To Box...

This morning didn't start off the way I would have liked. First, I spilled coffee on the stark white polo shirt I was wearing after being at work for less than ten minutes. Then, I log on to ESPN.com to see that the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight appears to have collapsed. I realize that this may be a marketing ploy to fuel the fire and get even more viewers, but if not, I think I'm going to fight both of them.

I've been looking forward to this fight for months now and I'm getting really sick of these guys toying with my emotions. The fight's on, the fight's off, and back and forth. It's like being in middle school, when your girlfriend who broke up with you for some high school guy keeps talking about getting back together but you know it's never gonna happen. I can't do this again!

Wow... sorry for the venture into my bitterness about the pitfalls of adolescent romance, but come on, this is boxing. The bottom line is that this fight needs to happen. If it doesn't, then boxing might as well kiss it's own ass goodbye. If these guys can't resolve their differences by repeatedly punching each other in the face, then I think they've lost sight of something.

So come on guys, please make it happen, if for no other reason than to stop Michael Buffer from curing his boredom by playing himself in another movie.

I'm BAAAAACK!!!

What's up braintrash eaters? In keeping with the tradition of new year's resolutions, I've decided to get back to blogging with a mighty vengeance. I'm gonna be all up on word-slinging like Darrelle Revis on Chad Ochocinco (or Chad Johnson if he keeps his promise), so don't stand in my way.

And what better topic to start off the new year with than inappropriate PDA!

So here's how it went down: I took my girlfriend out last night for her birthday. I'm feeling good, my babe is looking hot and we take our seat on the outside patio at Boa on Sunset. We ordered a nice tuna tartar to start off with and a couple cocktails. I raise my glass, lay down a few suave compliments and BAM!, the mood was set. And then it happened...

No sooner had I set my drink down (The Dapper Gent, a whiskey sour mixed with Gentleman Jack, that was a little too generous with the sour and not generous enough with the whiskey) than I look to my right and there is a couple (mid 50's) sucking face not four feet from my appetizer.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for showing the world that you love each other, but these two were one step away from a Skinemax movie. I'm not kidding either, I saw the woman's full tongue more than once. You may be thinking, 'Well then turn the other way you perv!', and you may have a valid point, but ask yourself an honest question; would you be able to focus on enjoying your meal if you had Donatella Versace and Kenny Rogers conducting an amateur tantra session before your very eyes? (Note: Both parties had been on the receiving end of a plastic surgeon/comedian's knife at least six times).

But like I said before, I'm trying to stick to my new year's resolutions this year and one of those happens to be trying to look on the bright side of life. So I guess the bright side would be that we got a full night of entertainment, (dinner and a show) for half the price.

Badass Bruce

Hello faithful friends. I won’t waste our time making excuses for my prolonged absence. Frankly, I would only be lying and I doubt that anybody cares too much anyway. I suppose I’ll ease back into it with another movie review. I recently saw Surrogates in the theatre. Aside from the fact that James Cromwell essentially played the same character that he played in I,Robot, I rather enjoyed the Sci-Fi thriller.

The main reason I enjoyed it is simple, Bruce Willis. I absolutely love the guy. The reasons why I love him are even simpler; he’s the everyday hero. He’s not bulging out of his shirt, nor is he beating the baddies with kung fu trickery. He’s just your plain, old, run-of-the-mill badass. He makes you actually believe that he could kick all the ass he kicks on screen. Let’s be honest, no guy in his right mind would ever want to fight Officer John McClane.

The concept of the film is interesting enough as well. It stays in the same vein as most thrillers of its kind do, but it definitely puts some interesting twists on what could have become a played-out theme. We’ve all seen the dangers of technology come to life on the big screen, but Surrogates takes a unique angle on its own approach to the apocalyptic plotline.

I’ll do my best to get back into regular posting. In the meantime, Godspeed BrainTrash eaters.