Kiss My Ass Cullen

I posed a question on Facebook today and will be interested to see the results. That question was, “What makes Edward Cullen so appealing to women of all ages?” I posed the question after coming across an AP article recently that outlined the reasons why women are so infatuated with the teenage vampire. The article broke it down into three separate reasons why:

1. He is a vampire
I guess this makes sense given that vampires are dangerous and seductive creatures. They are also much more powerful than a human and on top of that, we often crave that which we do not understand. The writer talked about how vampires attack the neck, an erogenous zone for many women. That part I didn’t really get. I understand that many women have a hot spot on their neck, but I don’t know any women that would like to have someone tear into their neck meat.
2. He is Edward Cullen
The writer goes on to explain how women love how mysterious the character is. He’s been around for 100-something years, blah-blah-blah. What I have to call bullshit on is the fact that women love him because he is all about Bella. No woman wants a guy that is obsessed with her. Let’s be honest; people want what they can’t have and the women/girls who are obsessed with “Eddie” are no different. They want to get bitten and become immortal. But Edward knows what he’s doing. The vampire shtick is his final bargaining chip and he’s not going to give it away easily. For this reason, I respect his game.
3. He is Robert Pattinson
This one I can’t really comment on. I know some girls who think the guy is hot and like him simply for that reason. I know other girls that are into him because of the character he plays. And then there are still more who aren’t into the guy at all because “he can never be as perfect as Edward.”

All that said, I’ve concluded that there is absolutely no way to be as appealing to women as Edward Cullen is. It’s just a little fantasy in the end. So since I have confirmed that I can never be as irresistible as an overgrown, fictional, teenage tick, I’m going to leave the seat up, fart in public, get obscenely drunk and touch my junk whenever the hell I want.