I Can't Think of a Clever Headline

Over the last weekend, one of my oldest and best friends got married. His was the aforementioned bachelor party. The setting was beautiful, complete with waterfalls, an abundance of trees and shrubbery, assorted watering holes (creeks, ponds, what have you) and booze. The ceremony went according to plan. I didn’t fall on my way up to the altar. I stayed sober enough to deliver my Best Man’s speech coherently and then proceeded to become inebriated enough to lip sync classic rock and have a dance-off with the groom. Everyone made it home without incident and the bride and groom made their way to Hawaii for the honeymoon. The whole thing really got me thinking about my own wedding. What will I do to celebrate my union with the woman I plan to spend the rest of my days with? What will I say to her when it comes time to recite our vows?

I’ve drafted up some mock vows. While they may be outlandish and somewhat offensive, my words are honest and I feel confident that I will be able to fulfill them. After all, I wouldn’t want to lie to my wife on our wedding day.

Sweetums, I promise to love you all the time even when I feel like causing myself bodily harm because I am so frustrated by you. I promise that even when I feel like going on a wild tryst to Vegas and partying it up with circus clowns and an untamed foreign enchantress, I won’t. I promise that I will make you laugh at least once a day, even if that means I must resort to physical humor (i.e. inappropriate flatulence). I promise to make and cultivate some of the most badass chilluns, (children), this side of the Mississippi, and while, thanks to me, they probably won’t be athletic, they will have a great sense of humor and learn to quickly make fun of their own shortcomings before anyone else gets a chance to. I promise to make enough dough to put you in some nice digs and buy you a fuel-efficient automobile. I promise not to get too fat that I can’t perform physical labor around the house. I promise to stay in good enough shape and manscape enough so that I can remain somewhat attractive to you as I get old. I promise that I won’t get too crotchety after I retire and I won’t buy an RV instead of a vacation home. But most of all my love, I promise to die first and wait for you with Saint Pete at heaven’s gates so that you can have a little fun without me before you have to come spend the rest of eternity with me.